the blue screen of death in Bob's head...

Days like yesterday make me want to crawl into a fetal position... At least that's how I felt yesterday afternoon.

If you've read my blog very much, you know I'm an occasional sufferer of PMS (Pastor's Monday Syndrome). Actually, it's gotten much, much better over the last year, and really has shifted more to Sunday afternoon syndrome, but still... It happens.

So yesterday.

I know this won't sound like much, and even as I think about it now, it seems less of a thing...

I started getting sick right before our gathering. You know how you feel a head cold/sore throat thing as it approaches? It approached. In fact, it came right in and made itself at home. So, I'm feeling physically crappy.
Also- last week we got the word that the pastor of a somewhat emergent-esque church here in PDX had resigned due to some long-running sexual issues. So, that's in the back of my mind when I hear yesterday morning that another pastor is resigning due to an affair- not someone here in PDX, but the father of a friend. That stuff really hits me. Even more so when it happens to someone I know and care about.

And then, after last week's record attendance, we upped the ante by about 8 percent or so. Even more people this week, packed into our little pub. And while that should be good news, (and it is), yesterday it was a weight- trying to meet people, feeling like a schmuck for not spending time with some of the people in our community that were simultaneously mourning, rejoicing and ending. Yesterday was also the last Sunday Rich was serving as our worship leader...
So weird to think that all of that was going on in the room at the exact same time... and yet I felt frozen. My mind was absolute mush, and at one point someone said something to me I wasn't expecting and I was actually struck speechless. No words. I just stood there, experiencing the human equivalent of the blue screen of death.

The whole morning just felt like something that was happening to me, rather than something I waas actually a part of...

Minor but embarrasing moment of the morning...

I walk up to Jeremy and Lani who've been coming on Sundays for a couple of months now. They have a friend with them and for some reason, I say "Hey Ellen" to Lani and start to ask the friend about himself. As he's talking, the bells are going off in my head and out of the corner of my eye I see Lani's puzzled expression. I realize my error and say "Oh- I'm so sorry Jennifer" and attempt to re-engage the friend. Now the bells are just screaming and I look at Lani and realize that the file with her name in it is locked up somewhere and I'm not going to be getting to it. She reminds me and I slink off feeling like an ass.

So, I go home feeling just more emotionally tired than I have in a long, long time. Worn out. And while I'm looking for a friend's blog I come across this total savaging of something I wrote awhile ago...

Sigh.

There's more, but perhaps for another time.

And after a night of feverish dreams, today is a beautiful Fall day...

"The Lord God is our sun and shield,
He gives us grace and glory."

:)