Sometimes I feel like a pretty lousy person.
Not mass-murderer lousy, you know? But then again
"And in my best behavior
I am really just like him
"
I called someone "a complete ass" and a "real jerk" the other day... I know, I know... I'm sure some of you say worse things on your way to the bathroom first thing in the morning, but still... my lack of grace shocked me, and my unwillingness to backtrack even more so. I was completely in the right, and the guy was, in fact...
But no... that's just faux-justification...
It's the kind of thing you wish you could go back and edit, but you can't, so you just hope there's not another round where you are tempted yet again to be an ass by calling out someone else's assness... uh, asinineness.
Some days, when I have both kids at once, and one is throwing a tantrum and the other is screaming because I'm not mom, and I'm trying to shuttle them into the car, through traffic, out of the car, back into the car, etc... I get kind of sharp with people. At moments like that, my patience is practically non-existent, my ability to give the benefit of the doubt simply gone.
I become exactly the guy I don't want to be, but fear deep down inside I am.
Worse, when I'm tired, I may care in some academic sense, but in social situations, I tend towards being the least outgoing, least interested person in the room. I absolutely hate that.
I used to have endless energy for people, and to devote towards more gracious actions and living. Three or four years ago I was coming off a nine month or so internship as a counselor/mental health therapist (while working towards an masters in counseling). I was able to listen. I was (genuinely) able to care. I had the ability to focus... I had game. These days, I feel more and more like that's been shot all to hell.
But I guess that's one of the main battlefronts in the continuing work of the Gospel in my life. I mean, if I really do believe the good news that God Himself has come to rescue and renew all of creation through the work of Jesus Christ on our behalf, then I've got to believe that that rescue and renewal starts and ends in the human heart (with brief detours into all of creation)... and while I'll always be able to look at, point out, point at the guy who needs it more (and in so doing attempt to justify myself), if I'm honest with myself, I can't deny the huge barren areas of my soul that I'm so unwilling to weed, to water, to cultivate. Areas where I'm just unwilling to let Jesus matter...
What I really need the Holy Spirit to do in me these days is renew that ability to care- to treat each individual as someone worth hearing and interacting with. I need Him to give me back my benefit of the doubt... to "renew a right spirit in me."
"You came to take us
all things go, all things go
to recreate us
all things grow, all things grow"
