Time for some self-therapy.
One of my pastoral counseling schticks is that frustration is nearly always a sign of unreasonable expectations, and when you feel frustrated, it's a good thing to examine why, what you were/are expecting and whether or not it's unreasonable to expect that.
So, I'm frustrated. Frustrated with myself for sure and trying hard not to be frustrated with the two tiny people I love most in this whole world.
I'm in one of those phases where my brain has turned off- it's kind of a cycle, really. I begin reading less, thinking less, writing less.. and since each feeds the other, there's this diminishing return type of effect where slowly but surely my brain begins to shut down and turn off...
I don't blog, I don't think, I don't process, and as a result, everything gets backed up. I find myself telling my problems to and processing with those I'm trying to do pastoral counseling with.
And then when I try to turn the whole thing around, I find myself rising earlier and earlier to get some time in before the (seemingly) increasingly early rising times of our beautiful kids.
I'll sit down to read my Bible, spend some time in prayer and- crying (Jack or Janie... not me).
Or I'll actually get in reading/praying/stretching I want to do, and (thinking I'm home free) reach out for a book to read... Touching the book seems to activate a mechanism whereby a tiny electrical shock is transmitted to one of our kids (whichever is on Keep-Dad-From-Thinking-Duty that day) and someone gets up... Our rule is that up until 7am is sleep/in room/quiet time. It rarely seems to work out that way.
I'm not complaining (okay- I am a little)... mainly, I catalog my frustrations to name them and to label them- unreasonable. Unreasonable to expect a 1 1/2 year old and a 3 1/2 year old to conform to vision of the perfect morning, and to do so regularly. Unreasonable to assume that even if I did have all this free-time in the mornings, I would and could actually be the CS Lewisian figure I picture myself being.
Unreasonable to assume that thoughtful creativity can and should come easily.
God forgive me for any expectation of mine that would lead me to view my children waking in the morning as anything but a cause to once again, today, say "Thank You, God!"