Story... pt 5

In coming back to Portland, I was both coming home and leaving home. 

Burned out, spiritually adrift, lost in a number of ways, I was coming back to what was familiar- the last place that had been "home." But I was also leaving- dropping out of ministry, saying things like "If I never enter another evangelical church again, I'll be okay with that." I wasn't done with God (though I worried He might be done with me), but church was another issue altogether. 

I started the counseling program at Western reasoning I still needed to make a living and still desired to make a tangible difference vocationally... I really didn't know what else to do. 

I think in a lot of ways, that counseling program saved me. 

It was a time of learning new disciplines (which, by the way, I has missed by dropping from an MDiv program to an MA in theology) of sitting with people in their pain, listening, empathy and using tension rather than trying to dispel it- all things that I was sorely lacking in my pastoral toolbox and which kept me from being any kind of effective in ministry. 

But beyond that, in looking at the sickness of others I began to unpack more and more of my own, began to think diagnostically about why I did what I did- why did I do these things that caused myself (and others) pain? What unmet needs was I trying to get met in unhealthy ways? (For those who care, I really dig the psycho-dynamic orientation- it continues to inform my pastoral counseling. I think it's also much better suited to the idols/Gospel-focused counseling I try to do than say a more cognitive behavioral approach which most pastoral counseling seems to embrace.)

It was also a time of figuring out what was lacking in myself (both in my desire to make a difference for others and in what was driving my own behavior), of healing and growth. 

Of course, it wasn't long before I realized that it was hard for me to imagine a life not based around ministry- around counseling, yes- but also teaching and leading, and even more, around the Gospel. I began to make peace with not just myself, but the whole concept of Church as well...

Oddly enough, that happened at a ridiculously conservative church that regularly split, hurt people in grievous ways and ultimately helped lead us to starting Evergreen. 

to be cont'd