bob.blog

More great (CHEAP!) music from Amazon

Amazon is quickly moving past the iTunes store as my top music buying destination- seriously. 

Thanks to Reformissionary for the heads up on this Tony Bennett/Count Basie album for $1.99!

 What do you get when you mashup John Piper and hip hop?

Lacrea, of course... 

The latest Ray LaMontagne:

And just in case you need to catch up:

the Cost: Single Vs Married

Did you know things cost different amounts when you are single vs when married? 

For instance... let's take something simple. Say I get a craving for some Spaghetti Factory- the Manager's Favorite with half meat sauce and half browned butter and mizithra cheese. MMMMMM!

How do the costs break down, single vs married? 

SINGLE:

1. Slight embarrassment at being "that guy" sitting at a table alone, quietly reading a good book while enjoying my favorite spaghetti dish.

2. $9.95 + tip (when I was single, it was actually $6.95, but we'll adjust for inflation)

MARRIED:

1. Headache that begins as wife and I try to wrangle three children into a minivan

2. "When's the food coming, when's the food coming? I'm hungry! I want bread!" all while refusing to color with or read the books they brought.

3. Major embarrassment as middle child declares "I have to go potty" and before we can respond, while busy with crying baby and son who has decided he wants to "lay down" until the food comes, takes off her pants revealing that she's lost her underwear... somewhere.  

4. Getting... something... all over my sleeve and shirt while helping daughter back on with her pants. She declares "I don't have to go anymore"... desperately hoping the wetness on my shirt is milk she has spilled on herself and not something else. 

5. Lame attempts to make conversation with wife between cajoling children to eat, jostling and trading back and forth cranky baby, picking up spilled food, crayons, utensils, etc...

6. $35+ tip + tip for balloon guy for the Little Mermaid and Spiderman balloon. 

7. Leaving immediately so as not to bother more than we have other childless patrons with the insane commotion of our presence

8. Sleepless night as middle child (the one without the underwear) repeatedly throws up grilled cheese sandwich, bread and spumoni.

9. Morning spent wandering from room to room trying to find the hidden vomit that's causing "that smell." 

As you can see, there are some major differences in cost for single vs married.

I'm just sayin'. 

From Wild Man to Wise Man...

It's no secret that I believe the Dude-Theology of certain streams of modern evangelicalism to be off-base and founded in a culturally biased reading of Scripture that misses entirely the thrust of what the Gospel wants to do in our culture, and the kingdom movement that does not pretend there are no differences between men and women, but breaks down the walls and makes peace between them. 

Especially worrying to me is the fact that rather than emulate older, wiser men who speak with the authority AND the gentleness of one who has walked with Jesus for decades, many young, male pastors are not only gelling their hair and untucking their shirts in an effort to Be Like Mark, but are adopting his rough edges and Ultimate Fighter mentality as well. 

While it's up to Jesus (whom I believe Mark loves and does his best to follow) to deal with him on his attitudes and statements, I think that some damage is being done in the attitudes of young men and young leaders in his tribe of churches. (And yes- there's MUCH to be said about the damaging effects of this thinking on women- that's a different post).

I'm currently reading Richard Rohr's From Wild Man to Wise Man: Reflections on Male Spirituality, and there's something to wrestle with on nearly every page. I don't buy it all- but man, it's challenging and good stuff. 

After affirming the differences between men and women and the value of each, he says this, which made me think of all this: 

"The spiritually whole person integrates within himself or herself both the masculine and the feminine dimensions of the human spirit. She or he is androgynous in the best sense of that term, which is derived from the two Greek words meaning "man" and "woman." It is very fascinating to me that some tribes and civilizations actually considered the man-woman to actually be the shaman, the wise man, the spiritual seer. The were the image of Divine wholeness. Androgyny is the ability to be masculine in a womanly way and to be feminine in a manly way, if I can dare to say it that way. It probably takes the work of a lifetime to get there, which is the beauty we often see in older men and women. The young man is all "male" and the young girl is all "sugar and spice and everything nice." If you read the classic legends and myths, note how you invariably meet the strong, old woman and the kind, old man by the end of the story. That is the goal."

And I remained unconvinced that the Ultimate Fighter mentality and Dude-Theology will ever get you there.

Dad... and Compassionate Detachment.

My dad almost died the night before last. He lives in San Diego, by himself in a small apartment. We have to have a cleaning lady come in to keep the apartment since on his own, he'll leave trash, food, whatever to rot. The neighbors complained, so we got some help.

She discovered him laying in blood soaked sheets, nearly bled out. 

A massive heart attack a few months ago meant a shunt and dialysis three times weekly for failing kidneys, and when the doctors began to worry about infection from the dialysis working its way to his heart, they put in some new hardware last week. 

Apparently, he didn't like it, and pulled it out, and in the process lost about 1000ccs of blood, maybe more. The average human body has 4000-5000ccs. 

If you've been following the blog here, you know the relationship with my dad is complicated, to put it mildly. He's just never been there- not in my childhood, or my adulthood- not showing up to my wedding, or even a visit we had set up so he could meet my wife and children. 

Generally speaking, whenever "Dad" stuff comes up, my back begins to spasm, my muscles clench and I can feel myself drifting towards fight or flight. 

But today, I'm doing ok. Better than okay, really. 

I got the news yesterday just before heading in to sit with the guy who's doing spiritual direction with me- probably about the best timing imaginable. "Providential" might be the word. 

As I processed with Morris some of the pain around the idea that my aunt and uncle who've been caring for my do-nothing dad for years now have reached the end of their ability to be involved and in charge of his existence, and that I was being called on to step in, I felt some of the old tightening in my back, some of the anger begin to rise up at the idea that I would be expected to care for someone who has worked hard to cultivate a practiced indifference to me and my life. 

But as we talked, as some of the knots began to untangle, I realized- actually, I'm not angry. I'm not worried. I'm... calm. At peace.  

How could this be?

Early yesterday morning, meeting with some guys, I was talking about the growth that has happened for me over the last year. And how I've had a growing feeling that in some ways, God was preparing me to deal with some hard things and that they were coming soon.  

This morning as I sat, before the family or even the sun rose, with my Bible, my prayer journal, a good book to stretch me, I realized- part of my calm right now is simply a result of having cultivated through the discipline of meeting with God on a daily basis, a trust in Him that actually makes in difference when it comes to dealing with the crap life throws at you. 

Of course, that's always been the theory hasn't it? But over the last 24 hours, I've seen it play out in real time. No- I'm not saying I've "arrived" in any sense of the word. I am saying that the disciplines matter. I feel like a guy who's been running a mile a day for the last year and is suddenly called on to do a 10k... and finds it not easy, but easier than expected.

As I ended with Morris yesterday, we prayed. And as we prayed, he asked me to picture Jesus entering the room with my dad. I pictured Him walking into the tiny bedroom that my dad has chosen to be his world for the last nearly ten years, and sitting on the bed next to him, putting an arm on his shoulder, telling him He loved him, was sorry for his wasted life, but still... wanted to redeem and renew him, his life. 

What, Morris asked, was Jesus saying to me and to my dad?

My aunt and uncle aside, I realized, I'm about the only Jesus my dad is going to see. Jesus may say those things to my dad, but He'll be using my mouth to do it. He may put an arm around him, but it will be mine.

By the same token, I know- Whatever I give my dad has to come from a place of grace, which is good, because to be honest, the only love I have for him is the love of Jesus. But then again, that's more than enough. 

At the same time I felt God telling me to be Jesus to my dad, I also sensed Him telling me- just remember, you're NOT Jesus. You don't have to die for this man. Someone Else already did that. There's a definite limit to what I can and should do here.

So here's where I'm at- I'm going to work with adult services to do what I can to get my dad the best possible available, some assisted living so he can live out his days in the solitary he desires. But I don't think I can do more than that- I don't think we'll be running up hundreds of thousands in debt to prolong an existence he doesn't seem very committed to himself for another year or two. I can't sacrifice myself or my kids education to help someone who seems entirely uninterested in helping himself, and has always seemed that way.  I'm not going to put my family at risk to do it. "Compassionate detachment" is the phrase in my head and oxymoronical as it seems, I think that about captures it. Even without drowning in the details and effort of propping up a failed life, I can show my dad love, show compassion, help him as I can and show him Jesus in the process. 

That feels about right. A little back-tightening... but mostly, peace. 

It's going to be an interesting month, though...

Limitations

I've been thinking through the issue of why I haven't been blogging as much... that's probably a nice way to put it, yeah? Truthfully, these last three months have found my blog laying by the side of the road like a wounded lemur. Will no one stop to help?

Anyway...

I've been (somewhat) enjoying the break, feeling a strange freedom from expression. It's not that I haven't had thoughts these last few months- I just haven't shared many with you. Naughty, I know. But maybe necessary. 

Maybe a break has been just what I needed, and more than the few weeks' hiatus that generally occurs around December. Maybe what I've needed was to reengage with why I do this blog, why I run PastorHacks.com.

Reading Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership has been good for me. Ruth Haley Barton is the real deal, and her wisdom for those trying to engage the difficult life of leadership as well as the disciplines which do (or rather, must) undergird it are invaluable. 

Here's what she said that stopped me in my tracks and convinced me I needed to do more of a reevaluation than simply taking a breather when it came to blogging and websites and the like:

"There is something deeply spiritual about honoring the limitations of our lives and the boundaries of what God has given us to do as leaders. Narcissistic leaders are always looking beyond their sphere of influence with visions of grandiosity far out of proportion to what is actually being given. Living within our limits means living within the finiteness of who we are as individuals and as a community- the limits of time and space, the limits of our physical, emotional, relational and spiritual capacities, the limits of our stage of life... and the limits of the calling God has given. It means doing this and not that. It means doing this much and not more."

As I read this, I felt the subtle shift inside from "dream big" to "dream deep." There's a time to go all Jabez and try to extend the circle of influence of our lives as widely as possible. And there's a time to recognize that eventually, that becomes counter productive to getting beyond the merely surface level in any area. To truly master something, you have to give yourself to it. You have to say no to a lot of things to say yes to one or two. 

Right now, my priorities are serving/worshiping/glorifying God through my family, my church and becoming the person I feel like God has me on track to become. My confession is that those priorities don't always work themselves out in that order and that I continually feel the tug of mission creep. Invitations which appeal to one's ego are difficult to turn down. 

The psychic weight of blogging and maintaining readership is honestly something I could live without. It feels at times like simply another obligation. 

While I love hearing from people I meet that something I wrote has helped them or contributed to their church planting/pastoral/personal journey, I recognize that I love it both in a healthy and unhealthy way. 

At my worst moments, I recognize that this whole thing of blogs and stats, of links and hat tips is an ego booster that needs to be kept in check. Scratch that. "In check" doesn't get it. "Killed" or more precisely "crucified" would be the right way to say it. To the extent I allow my identity to be based on being known and appreciated for writing or a blog, I'm actually feeding a cancer on my soul that, uncrucified will leave me a self-centered husk who cares more about stats than anything else.

Something I care about will get crucified. And it's either going to be my ego or more important things (like family, church, etc). Worst case scenario thinking, I know. But I'm pretty good at looking down the road and playing out consequences, and I'll just have to ask you to trust me on this one. 

So, is this my "Dear Bob.Blog Readers" letter of dropping out of the blog world? 

No. 

But it is an admission that my family is more important than you, my church is more important than you, and my personal mental/spiritual/emotional health is more important. For me, right now, I have to stop thinking as broadly as I have, I have to stop trying to "influence the conversation." 

"When we refuse to live within our limits (one of my deepest temptations), we wear out ourselves and those who lead with us. We compromise the quality of our relationships with God and the people around us. We compromise our effectiveness at doing the things we have been called to do. To live within our limits is to live humbly as the creature, not the Creator. Only God is infinite; the rest of us need to be very clear about what we are about in any given moment and say no to everything else."

I think it's a particular pastoral temptation to be dissatisfied with the ministry and situation God has given me- to dream constantly of bigger and better, of more influence and respect, to lose sight of what's now because we focus so much on what's next.

It's a given that I'm a husband and father and need to constantly renew my commitment to placing them first. I'm also a pastor. God has given me a church. These are my people. And in ten years I want to be known, not for having written a bunch of stuff that not many people remember, but for having given myself to the care, feeding and encouragement of my family and a group of people called Evergreen. I need to stop mourning the fact that my family and pastoral duties preclude me from writing that book or the killer blog post that will set the internets on fire. The work God has given me for this period of my life is enough to challenge me, to sustain me and for me to enjoy setting my hands to.

And enough to form me, I think... to get me where I want to be after 10-15 years- The wise, older man (who may or may not have a grey, balding ponytail- TBD) who can speak into the lives of pastors and mentor leaders and serve the church through serving those who lead. 

I guess I'm realizing that for all intents and purposes, I've just been trying to jump that gun a bit. 

So I will continue to blog and express myself, but won't obsess over it. I hope what I post will be meaningful first for Evergreeners and where they are at, second for those in ministry or heading that way, and third for those who for one reason or another are interested in what I have to say.  

And maybe I'll check the stats a little less too.

The Presidential Inauguration...

... brought to you by:

Paul Blart- Mall Cop. 

Nice :)

Talk about "synergy"!

1.20.09

I have hope this morning- no not the messianic hope that President Obama will fix all that's wrong, but the hope of fresh starts and (somewhat) clean slates. The hope that with a new Administration will come a renewed sense of civic spirit and sacrifice and so the end of both selfish conservatism and selfish liberalism and with a more thoughtful President a waning of the mindlessly partisan varieties of both sides of the spectrum as well. 

I love seeing the sense of destiny, the look of dreams and hopes realized in older African Americans, the sense of pride in younger Americans of all kinds who felt they had a hand in bringing change, that their voice really mattered this time. 

It's a gift to be alive at the high points of history, not just the low ones, and today is one of those days. 

I'll be praying for President Obama. I hope you will as well. 

10 Year Retrospective on the Emerging Church

Wow- Stephen Shields has posted an encyclopedic meditation/restrospective on where the emerging church has been and is now. It's fantastic and you should read it. 

Good thoughts from many others like Scot McKnight, Dan Kimball, the two Mr Jones (Tony and Andrew) and others as well. Nice work!

Poll: Church Budget

Okay- I'm curious. We just finished EG's 2009 budget last night (I know, I know... a tad bit late). We've always tried to keep it seriously streamlined- last year we pegged it at about $100 per month per adult. 

This year we grew a lot and if we kept the $100 pmpp target, we'd be at around $20k a month. That felt like a big jump for us, so we opted to take it a bit slower and ask the community for $17.5k a month- about $87.5 per person per month. (We're not budget assuming growth, but we are prayer assuming it- perhaps we'll revise 1/2 way through the year if growth keeps up as it has).

At any rate, here's the question- I really want to know about your community, especially (but not limited to) if you are a smaller, more emerging kind of church. 

Take your 2009 budget grand total.

Divide it by the number of people you have attending regularly. 

Divide it again by 12. 

How many people 

and

What's the number? 

I'm really curious. 

Resolved

Resolved:

Fewer ellipses... (dang it!)

Fewer smilies :(

Shorter sentences (seeing as how my run-ons drive some people nuts, and yes, I'm looking in your direction Sarah!)

Deeper breathing

Less feeling of obligation around things that aren't (like blogging)

More feeling of obligation around things that are

Less Bob

More Jesus

(Its okay to still be resolving, right? I mean, we're still in January and all... 

Crap.)

Calling NW Women- Convergence 2009 just around the corner

Here's the announcement from Kelly Bean:

Convergence draws women together to connect, encourage, and empower one another. Women who lead in a variety of ways, in a variety of settings, and from a variety of theological traditions come together to learn from one another, build friendships, and explore our experiences as women leaders in the church emerging together. Convergence provides space to gather round the table to share the great feast of “God’s hospitality.”

If you are a woman who is drawn to or longs for: 

• a way of leading that creates open space for all,


• sisters to journey and quest with,


• friends to stand in solidarity with,

If you are a woman who:

• lives in the tension and the beauty of embracing the ordinary as holy,


• values the redemptive power of story


• values learning from others, listening well, asking questions

Along with Deborah Loyd, Karlene Clark, and Brittany Ouchida-Walsh, wise women pastors and good comrades, who join me in co-operation to form and guide Convergence …

I invite you to be part of Convergence 2009, this February 20-22 »

And to the men reading this: There are women in your churches and in your life who need this kind of encouragement. Seriously consider doing what you can to make it possible for them to be part of Convergence 2009. We are grateful for you, our brothers and co-laborers in the Kingdom and partners in Church round the table.

In the words of Letty Russell, together we are the church, “the community of Christ, bought at a price, where everyone is welcome.”

Welcome Wagon for FREE/ Love is Concrete

Good friend and local rock star/music promoter/worship leader/crazy guy Todd Fadel alerted me to a new worship resources gig he's starting called Love Is Concrete.

And to get things going right, he's giving away (as a digital download, and in association with Asthmatic Kitty Records) the debut album from friends-of-Sufjan The Welcome Wagon. 

Here's what Todd says:

Hey, everybody.

In today's faith community climate, engagement and innovation is extremely important.  Those of us that serve our local communities are always looking for good resources to share with our friends and family.  LOVE is CONCRETE was started to make it easier to a) get innovative community-engagement resources and b) learn how to develop your own.  We're very excited to share what comes out of our efforts.  The resources we'll share will come in various forms from various sources, from collaborative projects that inspire us to use our creativity to serve the elderly and the poor, to collections of film and poetry for our regular meetings.  From online real-time webconferences to "real life" city-wide cultural fairs, our goal is to show love in the most tangible ways.

LOVE is CONCRETE is just starting out, but we're starting off with a bang.  The first resource we're sharing comes from Asthmatic Kitty artists, Welcome Wagon.  (here's a little clip: http://tinyurl.com/4nmqom) Monique and Vito Aiuto pastor a church in Brooklyn, NY, and their friend Sufjan Stevens has come along to collect their songs and favorites hymns/spirituals and put them together in a delightful banquet of moving orchestral-pop fit for the most finicky.  Please drop us a line @ the Love Is Concrete website to obtain your very own digital download of the album!  Tell your other friends who serve *their* communities to do the same!  

Bear in mind, the website is still in its infant stages, but look around and create a profile for yourself as we will be sharing many new resources over the next few months.

Thanks!  Hope to collaborate with you soon!
Todd Fadel
Love is Concrete

 

wisdom...

"Cowardice keeps us double minded- hesitating between the world and God. In this hesitation, there is no true faith- faith remains an opinion. We are never certain, because we never quite give in to the authority of an invisible God. This hesitation is the death of hope. We never let go of those visible supports which, we well know, must one day surely fail us. And this hesitation makes true prayer impossible- it never quite dares to ask for anything, or if it asks, it is so uncertain of being heard that in the very act of asking, it surreptitiously seeks by human prudence to construct a make-shift answer."

-Thomas Merton, Thoughts in Solitude

Up again...

Up again before 3:30... hmmm. I really, really, don't want to start this pattern again.

Another night where my dreams center around MediaShout problems too.
So odd that the thing my psyche is most eager to work through are computer glitches with projection software.

But the thing is, in the dreams it always comes during the middle of a gathering, and people always start just kind of slipping out as we try and try and try to fix it...

Sounds silly, but it's really about the struggle for control. The internal struggle, that is. About me letting go, trusting that other people have good stuff to bring, can see and deal with and improvise their way out of problems. But most of all, that I can't and won't be able to control everything.

No matter how much my brain would love it to be so.

What do you dream about these days?

Photographic Evidence: Like Father, Like Son

Yes- that's a father and his son. 

Yes- those are tattoos. 

Yes- those are mugshots. 

Wow. 

Welcome Wagon discount @ Amazon

Awesome- Amazon reduced the price of the Welcome Wagon's debut Sufjan-produced and infused album...

American Legion has become one of my favorite songs. Rich Man, Up On A Mountain, But For You Who Fear My Name... I can put this album on shuffle and listen to it for hours- so solid. 

You really need to hear this album. 

Of course, you can hear all the songs online before purchasing...

A Pastor's Christmas Eve Tale, pt 1

A friend of mine who's a pastor in town here also had to cancel their Christmas Eve service because of the snow (for those who don't know, we don't get a ton of snowfall here in PDX, and when we do, everything shuts down).

So, here's my friend, sitting at home on Christmas Eve. 

His wife was hospitalized this past month with a brain aneurism, and though her recovery has been nothing short of miraculous, on this particular night, she was in bed resting. 

So there sits my friend in his living room, looking at the bare Christmas tree he had bought, but never been able to decorate because of all that had been happening, thinking how all in all, he'd much rather be doing pastor kinds of things, like a Christmas Eve service. 

That's when the phone rings. 

It's a couple from his church he doesn't know- they've been there for years, but it's a larger church and he's never met them before. They'd like to stop by and give Pastor a Christmas present. 

Sure, he says. 

A few minutes later the couple are at the door. 

The present? 

A case of toilet paper. Apparently, that's the guy's business, so...

Of course he invites them in to chat for a minute or two. 

An hour and a half later they are wrapping up the conversation which has included a detour through pictures of the couple's "kids"... their dogs. 

And all my friend could do was picture God laughing and saying, "You wanted to be a pastor tonight, right? Well, here you go..."

:)

Resolution update...

Dustin asked me yesterday how the new year's resolution is coming. For those who don't remember, it was "kick ass"- which basically encompassed taking it up a notch on everything. He confessed that he wondered when he first read that whether I was speaking of the proverbial ass in general, or specific asses, and whether his was among them. My question is why it has to be an either/or.

 

At any rate, I told him "fairly well"- It's been a good week of trying to be more attentive to the things to which I'd like to be attentive- my wife, my kids, my health (the eating part hasn't magically changed itself, surprise, surprise), my work... I've been able to get a lot done, feel good about the work I'm doing, be more centered on and present to Scripture and prayer and what God is saying and doing in my life right now. The only part I feel less than kick-ass on is a commitment to write and blog more. It seems like it just doesn't all fit- that I can't be attentive to all those things and be someone who writes often and well. 

Or maybe I should say, there probably is a way to fit it, a way to establish rhythms of creativity and life where it all fits and comes together- I just haven't discovered what those are. I'm getting up even a bit earlier these days- before 5 now, so maybe that will help. 

And maybe it will explain why the next time you are with me past 8pm and I start slurring my words and nodding of during lulls in the conversation. It's not the white wine spritzer- it's just past my bedtime. 

More insane deals on music @ Amazon

A little late, but Christmas with Weezer? Awesome. Wish I'd seen this a couple of weeks ago! Only $4.52

And... Albums under $7.99

Albums $6.99 and under

Albums under $5.99 (including the top 50 of 2008 for just $5!)

and

Albums $4.99 and under

They're even running a special on some "Essential" double album collections...

Amazing deal on Top 2008 albums @ Amazon...

Amazon is doing an amazing deal right now: Top 2008, 50 Albums for $5!

Missed some great 2008 releases? 

...Includes Portishead, Coldplay, Radiohead, Chris Tomlin, Sia, Fleet Foxes, REM, Bon Iver, Gnarls Barkley and more.

Check it out!

Supplementary Goal, 2009: Pastor like Russell Crowe

Few people realize Russell Crowe got his start in the ministry!

HT: TheJay

Acedia no more: 2009

My big resolution for 2009? 

Kick Ass. 

Actually, Amy thought I was joking when I told her that. 

But I'm serious. 

In addition to it being New Year's, this is the year I turn 40... and both of those tend to make a guy think. Reassess, as it were.

As I look back on 2008, taken as a whole, what I sense is a growing amount of acedia, a state of listlessness and restlessness which tend to keep one from actually doing anything. Not depression, similar to ennui... more spiritual than emotional, acedia was first noticed (or at least written about) by the Desert Fathers. Similar to sloth, leading to dissatisfaction and prayerlessness...

2008 was the year I got tired, coasted, settled.

I think much of "energy" and creativity actually stems not so much from happenstance or lightening-strike serendipity but from decisions. Decisions to move forward, change, have the courage it takes to try, maybe fail, try again...

Kick ass. 

So that's it for me. I've felt stultified and uncreative. 

I'm not even going to run a "best of Bob.Blog for 2008. 

Why? Not much to run, honestly. 

This year (I have some specifics, but generally speaking) I want to read more, write more, exercise more, talk more, risk more, love more, give more, challenge more, forgive more... basically be more of the person I know I should be, but have simply lacked the will to lean into being. (And of course, what that really means is laying down idols and worshiping Jesus more, but that's another post...)

So, my resolution is to kick ass. 

For Jesus, of course, but still. 

Kick ass. 

Maybe yours.

I mean... "What's yours?"

:)

Top Missional Blogs of 08

Brad Andrews is running a series on the top missional blogs of 08. I came in behind luminaries like Alan Hirsch and David Fitch (duh!), but still- honored to be included! 

Check it out