I've been thinking through the issue of why I haven't been blogging as much... that's probably a nice way to put it, yeah? Truthfully, these last three months have found my blog laying by the side of the road like a wounded lemur. Will no one stop to help?
Anyway...
I've been (somewhat) enjoying the break, feeling a strange freedom from expression. It's not that I haven't had thoughts these last few months- I just haven't shared many with you. Naughty, I know. But maybe necessary.
Maybe a break has been just what I needed, and more than the few weeks' hiatus that generally occurs around December. Maybe what I've needed was to reengage with why I do this blog, why I run PastorHacks.com.
Reading
Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership has been good for me. Ruth Haley Barton is the real deal, and her wisdom for those trying to engage the difficult life of leadership as well as the disciplines which do (or rather,
must) undergird it are invaluable.
Here's what she said that stopped me in my tracks and convinced me I needed to do more of a reevaluation than simply taking a breather when it came to blogging and websites and the like:
"There is something deeply spiritual about honoring the limitations of our lives and the boundaries of what God has given us to do as leaders. Narcissistic leaders are always looking beyond their sphere of influence with visions of grandiosity far out of proportion to what is actually being given. Living within our limits means living within the finiteness of who we are as individuals and as a community- the limits of time and space, the limits of our physical, emotional, relational and spiritual capacities, the limits of our stage of life... and the limits of the calling God has given. It means doing this and not that. It means doing this much and not more."
As I read this, I felt the subtle shift inside from "dream big" to "dream deep." There's a time to go all Jabez and try to extend the circle of influence of our lives as widely as possible. And there's a time to recognize that eventually, that becomes counter productive to getting beyond the merely surface level in any area. To truly master something, you have to give yourself to it. You have to say no to a lot of things to say yes to one or two.
Right now, my priorities are serving/worshiping/glorifying God through my family, my church and becoming the person I feel like God has me on track to become. My confession is that those priorities don't always work themselves out in that order and that I continually feel the tug of mission creep. Invitations which appeal to one's ego are difficult to turn down.
The psychic weight of blogging and maintaining readership is honestly something I could live without. It feels at times like simply another obligation.
While I love hearing from people I meet that something I wrote has helped them or contributed to their church planting/pastoral/personal journey, I recognize that I love it both in a healthy and unhealthy way.
At my worst moments, I recognize that this whole thing of blogs and stats, of links and hat tips is an ego booster that needs to be kept in check. Scratch that. "In check" doesn't get it. "Killed" or more precisely "crucified" would be the right way to say it. To the extent I allow my identity to be based on being known and appreciated for writing or a blog, I'm actually feeding a cancer on my soul that, uncrucified will leave me a self-centered husk who cares more about stats than anything else.
Something I care about will get crucified. And it's either going to be my ego or more important things (like family, church, etc). Worst case scenario thinking, I know. But I'm pretty good at looking down the road and playing out consequences, and I'll just have to ask you to trust me on this one.
So, is this my "Dear Bob.Blog Readers" letter of dropping out of the blog world?
No.
But it is an admission that my family is more important than you, my church is more important than you, and my personal mental/spiritual/emotional health is more important. For me, right now, I have to stop thinking as broadly as I have, I have to stop trying to "influence the conversation."
"When we refuse to live within our limits (one of my deepest temptations), we wear out ourselves and those who lead with us. We compromise the quality of our relationships with God and the people around us. We compromise our effectiveness at doing the things we have been called to do. To live within our limits is to live humbly as the creature, not the Creator. Only God is infinite; the rest of us need to be very clear about what we are about in any given moment and say no to everything else."
I think it's a particular pastoral temptation to be dissatisfied with the ministry and situation God has given me- to dream constantly of bigger and better, of more influence and respect, to lose sight of what's now because we focus so much on what's next.
It's a given that I'm a husband and father and need to constantly renew my commitment to placing them first. I'm also a pastor. God has given me a church. These are my people. And in ten years I want to be known, not for having written a bunch of stuff that not many people remember, but for having given myself to the care, feeding and encouragement of my family and a group of people called Evergreen. I need to stop mourning the fact that my family and pastoral duties preclude me from writing that book or the killer blog post that will set the internets on fire. The work God has given me for this period of my life is enough to challenge me, to sustain me and for me to enjoy setting my hands to.
And enough to form me, I think... to get me where I want to be after 10-15 years- The wise, older man (who may or may not have a grey, balding ponytail- TBD) who can speak into the lives of pastors and mentor leaders and serve the church through serving those who lead.
I guess I'm realizing that for all intents and purposes, I've just been trying to jump that gun a bit.
So I will continue to blog and express myself, but won't obsess over it. I hope what I post will be meaningful first for Evergreeners and where they are at, second for those in ministry or heading that way, and third for those who for one reason or another are interested in what I have to say.
And maybe I'll check the stats a little less too.
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