Closure

I want to thank everyone who's prayed for me over the last few days. What could have been a hard and "low" period for me has ended up actually being a good time of closure and of thankfulness for my life.

I flew down to San Diego yesterday to bury my father. He died and was buried just how he lived, how he liked it- alone. 

I wish I could say my dad and I had a complicated history, but we don't. Far from it- it's pretty simple, actually. He was never really interested in being a dad, so he wasn't. End of story. 

I used to expend a lot of energy wishing it was different- but over the years learned to make peace with his total absence. Yes, there would be the occasional flare-ups, like when I flew the family down to San Diego last year because I wanted him to meet his grandchildren at least once in his life- and he didn't show up. 

But all in all, I've gotten to a place where being a dad has superseded having a dad in my emotional hierarchy- and yesterday was a good time of cementing that and saying good bye. 

I flew down early in the morning, got a rental car and after driving by the house I grew up in, drove to my aunt and uncle's. I bundled them in the car and we headed to the funeral home. 

This is the same place where I said goodbye to the grandparents who raised me- the same funeral home, the same chapel room, the same wooden stand their coffins sat on. 

The difference was, there were people there for both my grandfather and grandmother's funerals. Not so with this one. 

 No friends. No neighbors. No acquaintances... no family other than myself and his sister and brother-in-law who'd done the hard job of taking care of him for almost a decade now. 

Depressing, but not surprising. He cultivated no friendships, didn't seem to have spoken to his neighbors at all- he lived only for himself- his next meal, his next TV show, whatever...

So in the end, he got what he wanted. 

To be alone. 

After my aunt and uncle paid their respects, I sat with him for awhile, silently saying some things. Mostly just letting go. 

I realized as I looked at him in that box that I wasn't angry, I wasn't bitter... I wasn't even sad. 

I forgave him. I forgave him and prayed that God would too- that He would have mercy on my dad, even then knowing that my dad wouldn't want or take it if it was offered. That even in the end, he would choose what he always chose- himself. To be alone. 

But it was good closure- sitting there I realized my heart was light- not happy, but simply unburdened. Closure. 

We drove to the cemetery and re-enacted what we'd just done at the funeral home. The three of us sitting there, saying a few things about my dad- but what is there really to say? 

"Better to spend your time at funerals than at parties.

After all, everyone dies— so the living should take this to heart."

I was exhausted  coming home and decided to upgrade out of cattle class to 1st class for the ride home. First time I'd ever done that... but very glad and thankful to have dinner, some space to stretch out and even this: 

When I got home, Jack and Jane ran and grabbed me shouting "Daddy, Daddy! We missed you!" 

Ahh... to be missed. 

My dad won't be. 

I hope to keep living and fathering so I will be.

Comments

[john chandler]

Bob -- thought of you and prayed for you a few times yesterday.

So much of this is totally broken, and you've found redemption and beauty to share with us...and your own kids. Thank you.

[Jeff Armstrong]

Bob,

Thanks for sharing. I often wonder who will show up at my funeral. Will I have an impact? Thankfully, we have the parents we have--for better or worse--to teach us how to be better people. We choose what to do with our upbringing. You are one who has chosen to be the better for the hand you were dealt.

Grace and peace!

[anne jackson]

This hit so close to home. My dad is still alive but...at his best...not living. Emotionally withdrawn. Isolated.

I am trying to come to terms with it in my heart. To not feel even the slightest bit of envy when I see a father put his arm around his daughter (I mainly rejoice...thankful there are fathers who affirm and support)...but there is this place that always gets stung when I see what our relationship missed.

I'll be praying for you and your family. Thanks for sharing this and your other very thoughtful and bold insights. It's people like you that inspire me to move forward in my own words with courage.

[Kinnon]

Bob,
Powerful stuff. Sad. But powerful. Hug your kids tightly (and your dear wife, too.)

[Fred]

May God make you the kind of father to your children that He is to you.

[chris leonardo]

Great thoughts man. Been, and will continue praying for you.

[Andrew Rodriguez]

Hey man -

It's scary to me how much more often Dads hurt rather than help - I know, for myself, that one of my greatest fears is that I will hurt my kids the way my Dad hurt us - but it is clear to me in your case that God has been busy at the redemption of you. That is real and good in my opinion.

[Robin]

I don't even know exactly what to write...so I'll say the first thing that popped into my head and heart, "I'm praying for you and 'wow'"

[michelle]

Thank you for sharing this with us. This has just been... 'wow' for me as a daughter and a mother. I continue to pray.

[Dave Ketah]

I missed you yesterday. I prayed for you during the time that we would have met. I appreciate you sharing this, and appreciate you.

[Dan Brown]

I'm proud of you, my friend.

[pastortomsims]

Thank you for sharing this. The bearing of your soul will be an encouragement to others. I have conducted over a thousand funerals. In the process, I have met men like your dad many times. I can't explain it, but I know it happens. When their children find their own healing and the place of forgiveness and peace, that is a wonderful thing. When they find it so deeply that they can share their journey with others and lead them to peace, that is a God sized wonder. May the Lord bless you and keep you, make His face to shine upon you, lift up His countenance upon you, and continue to give you peace, through Jesus Christ, our Lord. Amen. - Tom (Just a pastor in Fresno)

[Pam Armstrong]

Bob, thank you for sharing. So many in the world hold on to their thoughts, feelings, pain and growth. You inspire many with your walk. Thank you. I drove home tonight tied up on some nuclear family "stuff", and trying to move forward. I related to your comment about "flare-ups". Life is good. Love is good. Family is good. Keep writing, keep talking, you have a gift. You have been our thoughts and I am glad God has been walking with you. Peace my friend.

[David Fitch]

peace bro ...

[Pastor Sarah]

Thank you for such honesty!

[Jen W]

Just read this. Haven't any words to say except God bless you.

[ron cole]

Sadly, I ahve the same thing to look forward to. I wish I could understand why my dad lives his life the way he does, but I...and he gave up long ago. I try to do better with my family.

[robbymac]

Bob, I think it's the way you've processed and shared your heart over the years regarding you father that has won so much of the respect I have for you. Yes, you are an insightful and gifted writer. Yes, as a church-planter, you had the cred of actually doing kingdom stuff, and not being just another armchair pontificator. But it's been your journey of forgiveness and the insights its given you as a father to your own children that really touches my heart.

Dios te bendiga, mi hermano.

[matt mikalatos]

Bob--

Still praying for you and your family. Thanks for sharing.

Matt

[John Chang]

Bob, just checked into what's going on these days with you. Appreciate your transparency here. Praying for you.