Saturday I was driving somewhere, doing something- I don't really remember what and it's not particularly important. But, alone with my thoughts and a bit more than 2/3 of the way thru my sabbatical, I realized- I'm not at peace.
Rested, yes. Relaxed, yes. Happy- as much as anyone could reasonably expect. And yet, that internal churn, that turmoil of never quite feeling at ease. At ease with myself or others, with the state of my world, with the state of my life.
Then I began wondering why this would be and what it should tell me- what did I need to do, change, become? Was it even possible this side of things to find "peace?"
I wasn't long down this train of thought before I knew that the kind of peace I was desiring, the emotional rest and contentedness I needed, probably wasn't going to be found in rearranging the furniture- not even the furniture if my inward life and certainly not the furniture of my outward life.
It came to me that the type of thing I wanted was first and foremost a gift, one given by God and received with thankfulness, not something found, earned or manufactured.
So I did the only thing I knew to do- I asked God for peace. Sitting in traffic, I prayed, and told God what I felt I needed and asked Him to provide it.
And graciously, He answered.
I have found myself over the last couple of days finally enjoying what has felt lacking for so long- not a sense that all was right in the world, because we all know that's not so, not even the range-limited world of "my life", but that I am okay with the world that is and my place in it- my place in enjoying it, contributing to it, changing it, being changed by it...
How long I will feel this way, I don't know. And I really have no point in writing this other than maybe simply to testify that God is good, and the kind of Father who delights in our delight and when asked by His child for something good, something delicious, sometimes answers, "Yes, of course- I'm glad you asked! I would love to give you that."