clarity...

I really, really need to do this more often.

I miss my family... my wife, my son. But that's a good thing, isn't it?
I need to miss them more often.

Just a couple of days ago, I had a conversation with a friend who was convinced that I needed a vacation. He was equally convinced that this conference wouldn't be that. I tried to explain that I really thought it would be, but he remained unconvinced that it could be.

It be.

My goal in coming to the National Pastor's Convention was to try to get some mental and spiritual stimulation while simultaneously getting some physical and emotional rest.

And while that may seem like a tall order, it's really not that hard.

For me at least, it looks like this. Getting outside of the regular rhythms of life, getting away from the weather of the northwest, getting close to new ideas and conversations in the form of speakers and musicians and books that are present at these things. Taking some time, taking a breath.

I'm telling you- it's good. On the one hand, there's the physical and emotional rest. I feel as though I'm a bit of a radiator- the steam builds and builds, and if it's not let off in a proper way, it begins to leak out in improper ways. In my life, those improper ways look like impatience. It looks like shortness in conflict and stinginess with compassion and care. It looks like not caring... and none of those things are acceptable for me. Not in my marriage and not in my ministry.

On the other hand there's the mental and spiritual stimulation. The fact is, when you are a teacher, a provoker of a community, a someone called to drop knowledge on a daily basis, if there aren't regular seasons of filling up the tank, you slow, you sputter and eventually you just kind of come to a halt... you stop.

And what that looks like, I'm finding, is silence. It's feeling like you really don't have anything worth saying. You tire of presenting the same ideas in the same way, and when you are tired of saying it, I guarantee you that people will have terrible time hearing it.

Recently, I taught a class with John Johnson at Western... a disaster is what I'd call it, if I were completely honest (and who is ever completely honest?). Running on fumes... presenting ideas that were revolutionary for me a couple of years ago and just so much dead wood this time around. Not because the ideas were bad or wrong, but because my passion in presenting them was lacking, my engagement with them had happened three years ago, two years ago. I had the outline, but something that made this a great class, challenging for both the students and John and I these past couple of years was absent. I had all the material and none of the mojo, the bones but not the spirit. Tired ideas, tired presentaion, tired Bob.

So, coming to these things stirs the pot for me. Hearing different people talking to me than I normally hear. Breaking the routine. This odd intersection of longing for my family and learning new things. And that is a beautiful combination for me.

Somehow, stepping away like this gives me some sense of clarity on all the different areas of my life. New ideas for my ministry and for my marriage. To me, this is better than going to Disneyland. That's fun, but it's not refreshing.

This kind of thing gives me what I need to go ahead for the next few months.

Yeah- I need to do this more often.
And I'll bet you do too.