The other side of the community thing...

While it is a choice for every individual whether to engage or remain on the fringes of community, that's not to say the community itself doesn't play a role. And while (many) people in the mega church environment may know instinctively that finding community in a large setting like that is their responsibility (see yesterday's blog entry), that's not to say that the micro church might not have an edge in certain ways...

It's the responsiblity of those who are there, those who are in to make sure that the community is welcoming enough, porous enough, that new people approaching or those finding themselves hovering at the margins know that they are welcome to engage whenever they choose. Again, you simply can't create community for people. But you can create an atmosphere conducive to community and welcome people wholeheartedly.

And this is where the smaller church has it all over the larger. It's a tough thing for any large church to call itself "welcoming." You may have a greeter program with folks standing out front shaking hands and there may be classes designed to move people from the fringes inward... but all the programs in the world have a tough time making up for the fact that it's entirely possible for someone, in the average megachurch of today to attend on Sundays for weeks upon weeks without having anyone engage, recognize, and welcome them personally.

And while people may instinctively know as they enter that larger setting that it's on them to build community there, the lack of personal welcome is seriously off-putting to many. I can't tell you how many times I have heard the story "Yeah, we moved into town and started going to (Fill in Name of Large Emerging-esque Church in Portland where Donald Miller attends) and went for awhile- but nobody talked to us..."

Again, it's the individual's responsiblity to conect, but if everything in the atmosphere of the place communicates a message that "connecting here is an uphill battle" and "Sure, we love it that you are here, Parishoner Number 4,513!" then many people will choose to exit out the back door.

This is a hard discussion to have for a number of reasons, not the least of which is the fact that we are talking about a LOT of different kinds of people. There are those who want community handed to them without doing the work of building relationships, showing up and being present, putting yourself out there. Believe me- they exist.

Then there are people who are genuinely less skilled at building relationships and need some help from a community. They need to be reassured time and again that they are welcomed, they need someone to notice that they are floating a bit and have people reach out to them.

And then there are those who are just hurting- they have been damaged by life and they need a community to embrace them because right now, embracing others is a practical impossiblity.

So, all that to say- there are different kinds of people who need different kinds of help in connecting. What everyone needs is a welcoming community, a community that notices when they are new and that notices when they are missing. Some people need more, true... but I say that knowing that too many people think they need more. They think they need people to chase after them and pursue them... when what they really need is a challenge to engage, to choose to connect... and maybe to find connection and community by welcoming others and being the welcoming community they want to see.

Comments

[glenn]

I agree that community is a two way street that involves considerable focus on both the part of the host and the newbie. Yet, from scripture, I get this picture of a community that is so amazingly diverse and so amazingly loving that it is compelling.

I too have said the thing about not being able to create community. All pastors have said these things because of their frustration with those who never quite find their expectations or hopes for community fulfilled in their church. Now, I wonder if it is totally true. A local church is a community. As leaders, we set the bar for things like community. Usually, we call that “facilitating.” It seems that this is part of our charge in “shepherding the flock.”

So, we do create some sort of community and, as leaders, we determine how porous, welcoming, and assessable that we want community to be. Then, we elevate those values and let people know where the bar is; i.e., what our goals are concerning community. So, in a sense, we do create community. We do not force people into it, but we can make it welcoming, inviting, inclusive, and even, compelling. In reality, we usually fall far short, while assuming we are doing a great job because we and our friends are enjoying great relationships with each other. If we really want to know how we are doing, we need to hear from those who are outsiders, including those who are critical.

Are you saying that you expect someone new to your community to find their way into a group of people who are already happily connected and maxed out on relationships? In other words, you expect them to go on a hunt for community in response to a “challenge to engage.” Only a few will ever crash the party. The chase is with the already formed, but welcoming community that values individuals and looks to somehow be enriched by enfolding others. Then, the choice ultimately belongs with the person who chooses to move closer or stand back.

Let’s raise the bar higher and be sure we are doing our best to welcome people as Jesus might welcome them, rather than complaining about the complainers!

[bob]

It's not so much complaining about the complainers as it is making it explicit- creating community is a two way street with the community having a responsibility to be welcoming and individuals having a responsiblity to engage...

[glenn]

That's fair enough.

I am of the general opinion that we can and should do better on the host end.

[Kipp Wilson]

You forgot one group, Bob: those who (at least consciously) really don't want community at all. They want biblical preaching, engaging worship, and being left alone. I'm not saying it's right. I'm just saying they're out there. (I am, unfortunately, one of them. It is something I have to consciously work against.)

[PJ]

I am with Kipp on this one. I am the same way when it comes to church at least now. I think for me my small church experience was really a poor example of what small churches can be as you have stated above. My church once they finally accepted you they smothered you with the thinking of being part of the community, but really all they wanted was your tithe because they were so desperate for your money. You were accepted into their community if you looked like you had more money.

[Pam Hogeweide]

yes, my hubby likes to be anonymous which is easy to do in a big church. he's shy. i like it all...big churches, small churches, medium churches... I like church, I like people.

I think it is human nature to want to experience hospitality when entering a new community of any kind. People have these same kinds of conversations about their workplace and neighborhoods. We want to feel welcomed in. When we don't, we gripe or become offended.

I wonder if the longing for community will remain somewhat out of our reach this side of heaven???

[christian]

Hey Bob. Long time listener, first time caller. As I read your blog today, I noticed the phrase that went like "those who ar IN". Not sure where I stand on the issue of church membership, but I wonder if this is milestone in some folks' church participation. I mean, when exactly does a person transition from Out to In? When does she/he move from guest to host? Maybe this is where membership is helpful (or hramful). Once I'm "In", it is uncontestable. I have my membership papers and need to start acting like it. Generally by the way I'm anti membership, but curious about your thoughts.

[bob]

Yeah- membership is a tough call for many communities. When we started evergreen, I never imagined NOT having membership. In my mind, we were going to throw the doors wide open on community ("Give people a place to belong before they believe") and yet raise the bar on what membership/commitment meant.
But when I began talking about this, I quickly saw that the rest of evergreen wasn't quite so down with membership, for a number of reasons.
So- we don't have it, and I'm okay with that for now.

For me, when I say "in" what I mean is when someone has crossed the line from saying "that church community" to saying my church community." Admittedly, a bit ephemeral.
Does it happen when people start giving? When they add their names to the online directory? Begin serving? I don't know...

I do know that I want to give people the ability to define their relationship to the community. That means that if someone wants to remain anonymous and on the fringes, so be it.
But I also want to raise the bar on what being a part of a community means. I hated that as I grew up, commitment seemed to mean showing up on Sunday and at the annual business meeting and a lot of people where okay with that.

It HAS to mean more... we're in the process of trying to identify some "core commitments" that we would point people towards when we sense that they are "in." That's come as a result of sensing that we need to give people a better picture of what some aspects of commiting to community look like- and not require it, but encourage it...

[Kelly]

It struck me that this could easily become a finger-pointing thing, which seems unnecessary to me. How about if it's not either side's responsibility? If someone doesn't connect with a group, maybe that just means it's not a match. Communities and individuals are the same: they click with some people or groups and not with others. Totally natural.

[sabrina]

This is a very good, relevant aspect of starting or continuing on in running a church.

Following in the idea of spiritual gifts, I think there may be some folks who are better at being welcoming and putting themselves out there...and not just on sunday with hello followed by a struggle to remember a name, but to also get the person plugged in to a small group, or some aspect that happens not just on sunday. Some may not want it, ok, but they have the open invitation. Some folks are just really painfully uncomfortable with the thought of extending a hand and an introduction to strangers. And that shows, when they do it.

It is really off-putting to be able to go to a church and not really be acknowledged, or to be acknowledged but to never really be invited "in" to fellowship.

Maybe a solution is to encourage volunteering for a ministry of this sort by those who are not afraid of it? Is this something an emerging church does?

[michael jones]

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