bad advice...

Every once in awhile I give someone what I know may (or may not) be bad advice.

I wish I knew what the heck I was talking about most of the time.

There are certain things I've learned over the last decade (I'm gonna say my learning didn't really start until my later 20's... I just wasn't picking up the hard lessons before then), certain things I've learned to do the right way, mainly by doing it so very, very wrong, so many, many times.

I feel pretty comfortable steering others towards those lessons, even knowing that most of the time, my words won't mean much until they themselves have learned the hard way. Most of the time I count it good, not if I help someone avoid a mistake all together- that's nearly impossible- but if my advice sits there waiting for the 2nd or 3rd mistake and then clicks in... That's pretty much a best case scenario for most of us.

But there are things that occasionally come up and I have to admit- I'm still trying to figure this one out myself. I can give my working hypothesis, but...
In those cases, I usually try and hedge and tell people- this may be really, spectacularly bad advice. I may get a year or two or ten down the road and decide that what is about to come out of my mouth was total bs, and more than just wrong, maybe steering people down a bad road... so caveat emptor.

I gave one of those disclaimers last night.

I won't give all the details, but in talking to a friend of mine who's a pastor, the issue of feeling like you were always a pastor came up. Pastoring friends, pastoring family, pastoring passing stray cats and such...
He asked, "How do you turn it off?"

My possibly really, spectacularly bad advice?

You don't.

I've been meditating this week a bit on similar issues- on what makes a man or woman who pastors a pastor, on why some get into trouble, on the job vs calling aspect of things.

Here's my working hypothesis... this week, at least.

Boundaries are necessary. You can't pastor everyone, nor should you try. But... there's a fundamental identity thing here. I'm fairly convinced that those who work with the mental picture of pastoring as job and career, and attempt to be a pastor during certain hours only, eventually find themselves leading a dual life. Those times of off become more and more important to them, and when the stress ramps up, those off times become more and more dangerous.

There are few vocations that involve having a certain character 24/7... but this pastoral life is one.
Now- I balance all of that with some other things- that yes, regularly, you turn off the role. The cell phone goes off, the computer gets shut, the day becomes family day- but if at those moments you become a different person, if during those times you feel free to let your hair down (as it were), to care less, to do certain things that you wouldn't do "on the clock," I think you are heading for trouble.

I know there's a balance here- role, calling, character. It can get way out of whack- Pastors who try to pstor 9-5, 5 days a week won't last long, and they shouldn't. It's just not that kind of gig, and if that's what you really need, you should do something else. But, by the same token, pastors who pastor 24/7 lose their families.

I don't know what the balance is- I can't pastor everyone, but I think I need always to be a pastor. Mental metaphors are important- how we conceive of ourselves, the mental pictures we use have cascading impacts all down the line. I often find myself letting myself off the hook (a terrible sentence- an even worse reality) by saying "I'm not his pastor" which being translated means "I don't have to allow myself to care." And that kind of scares me.

My advice last night was- don't turn off the pastor thing. Always be a pastor. You can choose to define those relationships in which you are pastoring people you feel someone else should be pastoring differently- you can find reasons to care and do pastoral things within more reasonable boundaries in simply being someone's neighbor or friend or relative. But don't try to turn off "pastor" because I've seen some bad things happen to those who were able to do so.

I don't know... I may have this completely wrong. What do you all think? (sorry for the ramble)

Comments

[Helen]

I really like your reasons, Bob. Did you have time to explain your reasons to your pastor friend?

I think what you've done is reframe the question. His question sounds like "How do you stop being who you are?" to which you correctly replied "You don't."

But most likely what he really wanted to know was "How do you put boundaries in place so you don't get burn-out and how do you create/maintain relationships in which you're not a 'pastoral authority figure' but simply just another guy (or woman), a friend, someone as human as the next person?"

I really like how you are so against anything which amounts to "I don't have to care about this person".

Yes, good boundaries are definitely the solution. (imo ;-))

[matt]

By way of analogy, how would you answer the following question this person asks you, in regards to being a husband:
"How do you turn it off?"

I still remember your advice regarding being a husband and a pastor. You told me that if I were to be a good husband, during my day I would need to always hold a piece of myself back, so it is saved for my wife. There is an underlying truth behind that logic: being a husband is more than a role, it is a calling.

I have many roles which I can turn on and off. My 9-5 profession, certain friendships, being a fan of a sports team, various club memberships and the like. But I can never really turn off my callings. These consume my thoughts, prayers, planning time, free-time: really everything.

For me, the difference between being a pastor and being a professional (john piper would eb so proud) is the same as the difference between a calling and a role.

That said, no one really asks this question becuase they beleive they can turn it on or off. They usually ask it becuase they know they can't.

[Tony Chimento]

I listened to a guy by the name of David Shibley once. He said that if you can do anything else other than pastor, do it. And he explained why. Everyone has their reasons for running into pastoral ministry. But there is something to be said for those people who keep running into pastoral ministry after all the ups and downs of the gig. Turning it off really isn't an option nor do those called to ministry want to turn it off. What I find is probably a small part of what Jesus found - the need to recharge, rejuvinate, and restore some of the stuff ministry pulls out. Bob, as always, you have really created a great post here. Thanks for always stimulating my thought process, convictions, and whatever else your stirring stick messes with!!!

[Ari]

That's tough. My first reaction is that it really depends on how you define "pastor". As you said, you can't turn off who you are that helps you or makes you become a pastor but you CAN turn off that role and you should.

I find that I often relate to people in "pastor mode" when I really need to develop a simple friendship because "pastor mode" can get really obnoxious in a friendship after awhile...for both the pastor and the friend. I'm actually in a process of switching from pastor mode to "just friend" mode with one of our leaders right now.

[Kester]

I remember, awhile back, I was giving advice to someone (probably without really listening to them first) and the person replying "I need you to be my friend right now, not my pastor." I realized then that I had allowed pastor to be a role more than a calling, a mode I could go into and out of. Your advice is right on, and it cuts both ways. Not only can our "turning it off" become a dangerous way for us to become less than who we're called to be, but our "turning it on" can turn us into arrogant professionals who hand out advice and "keep the church running".

[Ari]

Kester- that's what I was trying to say and you said it better. thanks :)

[Mark McMurray]

Bob I wrote some thoughts about this very topic after coming across some notes I had made after meeting with someone I was mentoring.

http://revrdmarksmind.blogspot.com/2007/01/reminding-myself.html

[John]

Just thinking out loud here...maybe we need to enlarge our picture of what a pastor is? At its root, pastoring is about caring for people, isn't it? Not just correcting, rebuking, preaching, counseling? I'm wondering if the need to "turn off the pastor & be a friend" arises b/c we aren't being very good pastors.

So maybe in those "off times" we need to be pastors to our families & friends. Not preachers to them, but real pastors to them.

Or I could be totally off course...

[Ari]

I don't think you're off course at all John. I think you're right on.

[Stephen Grant]

Isn't there another way to view this? Is it not possible that the reasons many of us pastor are psychologically driven rather than Spirit driven. I.e. I feel good because people need me, because I can help them. This ultimately comes down to a place of motivation. Having been there, done that and burned that bridge, this is one of my biggest concerns about a professional clergy...