rest...

In some ways I feel like I'm coming apart a bit at the seams.
The sleep thing is taking on a bit of an edge of desperation for me...

Saturday night/Sunday morning I was up at 2, gave up trying to sleep around 2:30 and came downstairs only to realize that it wasn't 2:30- it was 1:30am...

On getting to the office to load up the stuff for Sunday morning, I found the elevator was down. At least this time it went down before I got half our stuff loaded into and had the doors shut on me.

But our office is on the fourth floor, so...

I was so tired, so exhausted, after a couple of trips up and down, I had to sit it out and let Chris, Dustin and Kelli, Scotty and Devin get the stuff without me. I nearly puked.

Needless to say, I wasn't exactly "effervescent" yesterday morning :)

The fact that we're doing a series on the Gospel has been a life-saver for me.
First, I'm drawing much of the thoughts including the general outline for the whole series from Tim Keller, so in some ways it requires a bit less of me in that I'm not starting from a standstill each week.

But secondly, and most importantly, I really need to hear what I'm saying right about now.

I think the idea that I am saved not just by the death of Christ, but by His life as well is hugely important to me. My need to justify myself by work, by results, by people liking what I'm doing can really only end one way- badly. If I need to be "good enough" (which always, always, always leads to "even better"), the fact is, I'm sunk.

It will never be enough, and in some ways, for the person caught on the treadmill of "momentum" or "results", success is the worst thing that could happen, in that it reinforces some very unhealthy patterns and in that it just breeds more work.

Luckily for me, Jesus lived the life of obedience to God I never could. And luckily for me, He doesn't just take my sin and zero out my balance, leaving me to then work as hard as I can to add some positive equity to my account.

He gives me all the righteousness, all the justification I need. I can stop trying to manufacture it.

I know the answers- I'm doing the right things in terms of unplugging from technology and light at night, no more than 1 beer (if that), trying to exercise more, taking melatonin. I'm going to try Lunesta next and if that doesn't bring some relief, we'll try something else.

But more and more I'm realizing this isn't really a physical thing- it's mental, emotional, spiritual. This is my brain.
This is my brain trying to prove I'm worth something, good enough, smart enough... whatever.
This is me knowing that Jesus is the only answer to those questions.

This is me, when that realization finally burrows down deep into my heart, finally finding some rest. Some true Sabbath.

"So God set another time for entering his rest, and that time is today. God announced this through David much later in the words already quoted:

   “Today when you hear his voice,
      don’t harden your hearts.”

Now if Joshua had succeeded in giving them this rest, God would not have spoken about another day of rest still to come. So there is a sabbath rest still waiting for the people of God. For all who have entered into God’s rest have rested from their labors, just as God did after creating the world."

Hebrews 4

Comments

[Brandon]

Bob,

Great observations regarding Christ's exceptional work and your lack of rest. Please relax and do what you know is best for you.

B.

[Rachel]

Bob, my heart goes out to you. Sleep deprivation is miserable (it's actually a form of torture!). When you're sleep deprived it's like instead of wearing rose-colored glasses, you're wearing poop-colored glasses. I've been there and it sucks.

Recently I was reading something Mark Driscoll wrote about burnout and he described reaching a place similar to what you are describing. He said that he went to a naturopathic doctor and was told that he had worn out his adrenal glands. The naturopath put him on a special regimen and he has been improving.

Here is a link to what Mark wrote (am I actually linking to Mark Driscoll?? God works in mysterious ways!) http://theresurgence.org/md_blog_2007-06-13_death_by_ministry_part_1