Warning: Rambling solipcistic post ahead! Be warned...
We're 3 years on in our church planting journey, and in a concerted effort to become less-curmudgeonly and actively stave off becoming a grumpy old man (hey, I turn 38 this year!) I've been reflecting on some of the things I love about my life right now...
I think I went through a time in my early 30's where I seriously wondered if to get older was to feel less intensely. It seemed as though I loved music less, loved life less, loved everything less, felt everything less. I could no longer see myself standing outside some girl's house holding up a boom box in the rain, blasting "In Your Eyes"- if that makes any sense at all. I just didn't feel it, and I worried that this progression was going to keep on until eventually I would be an emotionless lump of wood marking time, going through the motions.
Luckily, I think that was a phase- maybe one born out of emotional defenses because of some things going on in my life. Suffice it to say I've felt the pendulum swing back the other way- I sing along to music, get choked up constantly (good), worked up constantly (kind of good) and excited about the possibilities I see in this here life o' bob.
One of the things that excites me most right now is that fact that if I
were to track my feelings about certain things from the start of our
church planting/lead pastoring adventure, there's a definite upward
trend. And that tells me I'm doing something right, or at least in a
(mostly) healthy way.
I know pastoring is hard. I read Mark's blog, after all :)
But the truth is (and I honestly believe this)- pastoring doesn't need to kill you and it doesn't need to kill your family. And it certainly doesn't need to kill your faith.
I wish I had a 5 point outline how-to bullet point thing I could share with you for how to make that a reality. But truth is, that probably wouldn't help you in your context. Let's just say this- if pastoring is killing you, your family, your faith, you need to realize that it doesn't have to be that way. You don't HAVE to do ministry that way. There are simpler ways to pastor. There are simpler ways to do church. The only question is: do you have the courage to resist the inevitable temptations towards bigger-is-better complexity and programming every last little thing that only serves to increase your commitments/responsibilities within your church community... and your headaches/stress level? You can say "we won't do it until someone else steps up to make it happen." And while increasing your productivity and organization is definitely a smart move, you can also make intentional moves to simplify ministry and keep from moving into that ministry kill-zone in the first place.
But enough of my salesman pitch for organic church...
The fact is, I love Jesus more today than I did when we started this thing and that really excites me.
Most of my other ministry experiences were studies in burn-out, physically, emotionally, and even spiritually. I can remember sitting at my desk, staring at an open Bible, willing myself to read it and yet unable until I finally asked myself the hard question: Would I read this thing today or any day if it wasn't a part of my job? If I wasn't afraid that someone would ask me?
I could probably identify a number of things that led me to that place on more than one occasion... Pressure to "perform" and get results, soul-killing bureaucracy that seemed to hinder ministry more than it ever facilitated it. It seemed like each ministry position would start with loads of enthusiasm, energy and idealism and end in a crash-and-burn of frustration, unmet expectations (mine and my supervisors) and disillusionment.
And as I think through all the reasons why, maybe one of the biggest reasons why they ended that way and why I almost always left with my faith on shaky ground was that I was serving something other than Jesus. My "career", my unmet needs for a mentor/father figure, my fear of simply not being able to do anything else. Anything and everything but Jesus Himself.
Not that I don't think I'm immune to all that now... but I think age and maturity (don't laugh) have brought a certain resistance to some of that. Right now, I don't care much about the career piece, or maybe I should say, I'm secure with where I'm at. My need for advancement and a mentor and all the rest seem to have abated- And maybe it's because I find myself finally just doing what I can to serve Jesus. Actually caring what HE thinks more than some elder board, group of parents, unnamed father figure...
I find in myself more and more a love for the person of Christ, a ramped up emotion about Jesus. Maybe because for one of the first times in ministry I'm seeing and hearing about real life change in folks. I don't find myself asking "Does this really work?" because I see it working. I don't find myself wondering if Jesus really cares about what we're doing as a community. I see Him working in and through and on us.
More than ever, I find myself thinking in whatever we're doing "How can we point to Jesus in this?" And like a drug, the more I focus on Him, the more I want to focus on Him. The more central He becomes in my life, the more sense He makes, the more at peace I feel with where He's got me/us...
And man, that's a great feeling. I realize all this may change tomorrow. Things may get hard and I may find myself right back in that place of doubt. And that will be okay. I know that Jesus can handle that too. But for today, I'm thankful: "Hither to Thy love has blessed me, Thou hast brought me to this place. And I know Thy love will bring me, safely home by Thy good grace."
Recent Comments