bob.blog: Blissed out...

For the last three days I have been blissed-out, at peace, and just generally filled with a sense of well-being.

Freakin' Buddha on the mountain.

Why?

Three days at the beach with the family followed by three days at home without the family.

Now, do not get me wrong. I love my family. LOVE them. I miss them when we're apart, spend time wistfully looking at their pictures, call twice a day just to hear their voices... and I've learned to suck the marrow out of every moment we're apart.

In the past three days I've slept past 6:15 am- heck, I've SLEPT. No midnight elbows or 3am knees in the side, no glasses of water and scary dreams in the middle of the night, just me sprawled out dead center in the middle of a queen-sized pillow top. So that's what a good night's sleep feels like? Ahhh...

I have listened to music piped through the whole house and eaten a dinner consisting entirely of chicken fried rice while simultaneously watching a movie- a movie I was actually able to pay attention to. I have gone to a movie with friends AND the after-movie debrief at a pub, served at the Rescue Mission, and done both of those things without the pressure of feeling like I'd taken time away from my family to do them.

I've taken long, prayerful, guilt-free walks in the morning sun- thinking, talking to God. I know that I could technically do that anytime, but not without worrying that every moment I spent enjoying myself was a moment that Amy was suffering at home with two kids.

Last night, driving home from the Mission, I had to do a self check-in. I feel good, I thought. Peaceful? Yep. Relational, emotional, spiritual energy? Check. Normal? I wish...

So THIS is what Bob is like after two days without waking up to the crying and screaming and the "Please, please, please"... two days without the battles of will and time-outs and the relational stresses of family life. Yeah.

This morning I was on one of those long, guilt free, prayerful walks in the sun, talking to God and I found myself thinking "I have GOT to find a way to get back to this place regularly- to LIVE here. To be this peaceful and at ease. If only I could..."

And that's the moment I GOT 1 Cor 7:17-40.

I've been working through the passage for this Sunday's sermon, and I knew intellectually what Paul was doing- trying to let the Corinthians know- don't put your hope in doing or being anything but connected to Jesus.

"So I say to those who aren’t married and to widows—it’s better to stay unmarried, just as I am. But if they can’t control themselves, they should go ahead and marry. It’s better to marry than to burn with lust. But for those who are married, I have a command that comes not from me, but from the Lord. A wife must not leave her husband. But if she does leave him, let her remain single or else be reconciled to him. And the husband must not leave his wife...

Each of you should continue to live in whatever situation the Lord has placed you, and remain as you were when God first called you."

He's writing to these people who had found Jesus, but were still thinking that happiness, wholeness would be found in getting married. Or getting unmarried. In finding acceptance from God through circumcision or acceptance from Greek society by surgically "reversing" their circumcision. In being freed from servitude or in being freed debt by selling themselves into servitude.

This morning, I connected emotionally with what Paul was addressing- this tendency to think that happiness can be found in somehow changing our situation or our status. In doing or being something, anything other than where we're at this very moment... In something other than Jesus.

It's not like my 20's and early 30's didn't have plenty of long, guilt free-walks in the sun, naps with books on park benches, long days with no pressure- nothing to do but enjoy myself... but I rarely did it. Enjoy myself, that is.

Why? I was so focused on what I didn't have that I couldn't enjoy what I actually did.

In my single life, I burned with loneliness. All of my mental, emotional and spiritual energies went into pursuing, finding a woman. In my head, the equation was pretty simple. I'm lonely. The cause of my unhappiness is my loneliness. If I get married, I won't be lonely anymore. Therefore, a wife will make me happy. How many thinking errors can you spot in that little train of statements?

We waste so much of our lives looking forward longingly at the next thing, or back nostalgically at the previous things. Single people often waste their singleness wishing they were married. Young marrieds often waste their early years together wishing they could have kids. Couples with young kids often waste those early years of their kid's lives just trying to get some alone time, or looking forward to the time when their kids are older. People with teenagers often spend their time wishing their kids were little again, or looking forward to having them move out- to having the house to themselves again. And when they do move out- the empty nesters often spend their time wishing they could have it all back again.

Our inability to make the most of the situation, the stage of life we are in right now is why people jump into ill-thought out marriages, why husbands and wives abandon families, why we jump from job to job, from church to church, why we leave otherwise good situations, looking for something better... only to realize that what we had was pretty darn good.

I have loved this island of peacefulness, this interlude... but that's all it is- a vacation from the stress of family life and everyday existence. Soon, we'll be back to the stress and the chaos and the din... and the hugs and the holding of tiny hands. The "I love you's" and the warm body of my beautiful, patient and loving wife beside me when I lay down and when I wake up. The cries of "Daddy's home!!!" when I walk through the door that warm my heart more than just about anything else in this life...

God, help me to enjoy everything in my life as it is, without wasting a moment wishing it were somehow different. God save me from thinking that my happiness, and my wholeness is to be found in achieving any state but connection with You, with Jesus. Help me to do this stage well, to enjoy these green, green pastures without ever being tempted to look over the fence for greener ones. Thank you for my life.