the Co-Dependent Pastor...

Two basic types of pastoral disfunction- the narcissist and the co-dependent. We all lean one way or the other on that continuum- some so little it's not really an issue, others, well...

The need to succeed or the need to please and avoid conflict. 

The narcissist, with his or her need to succeed really doesn't care what others think. When these people leave ministry, it's because they are driven out. Their self-centeredness and inability to empathize/think of others often looks for all the world like a person with vision and leadership charisma- someone who knows what needs to be done and does it. Unfortunately, when the truth becomes known, it's usually after people begin to see the long, long trail of metaphorical bodies that get left in the wake of these people- years of stepping on and over people may get you up the ladder, but sooner or later the toll becomes obvious and either the narcissist leaves or everyone else begins to. 

On the other side is the co-dependent. Helping professions are ripe soil for people who need others to help them establish a sense of identity... and the pastorate is no exception. It's a job where I can be fully and completely co-dependent and get rewarded for it. In fact, the more sold out the pastor is to you and your needs, the more he or she is (often) praised. The narcissist doesn't mind conflict- in fact, they kind of enjoy it. Another chance to focus attention on them and their leadership skills, but the co-dependent is motivated by the need for others' approval and will avoid even necessary conflict whenever possible. 

Which am I? 

Oh, the second... without a doubt. And if you read this blog, I imagine you tend towards that second one as well. 

The narcissist needs empathy and what they do must begin to be motivated more and more by the needs of others, not just their own. In other words, they need to care more about what other people think.  

So, is the corollary true? Does that mean the co-dependent needs to care less about what other people think?

No. The co-dependent... heck, I need not to care less what other people think but know more what I think and who I am, apart from what others think about me and who I think they think I am. 

In other words, the answer for those who tend to be driven by what others may or may not think of us, for those who tend to be hurt when others express disapproval or dislike is to be self-differentiated. 

"Differentiation is the ability to remain connected in relationship to significant people while choosing not to allow our behavior and our reactions to be determined by them... The differentiated person lives an 'undivided life' by remaining true to his or her principles even though it may involve rejection or conflict." 

-The Leader's Journey

I've been thinking through these things the last couple of days... every once in awhile you run into one of those speed bumps in ministry that make you question where you are at and what you are doing (well, not if you are the narcissist type...) and occasionally, for some of us, even who we are. 

And that right there is the clue... when your identity is based on what others think of you (which, let's be honest, is a huge part of the pastoral gig), you are already in deep trouble. 

Here's the truth, and it applies to everyone, no matter what you do. A healthy person doesn't disregard the thoughts and feelings of others, but rather, uses that input appropriately, to help make decisions... not identity. 

I told you that narcissists get driven out of ministry by others. The other type drive themselves out. Co-dependent types hit a point mid-forties or fifties and drop out or burn out. The burden of being all things to all people, of maintaining an identity built on the approval of others and an agenda that gets ruled not by an inner compass but by a finger in the wind often leaves a burned-out husk... one who would have no idea who he or she was apart from their role as a helper of others. The narcissist leaves a trail of bodies in his wake- the co-dependent does the same thing, but it's usually a spouse and children who suffer. This type often sacrifices family for "ministry" and in the end hates and regrets ever listening to the call of Jesus. 

The only way forward is to base our identity on the one constant- the person of Jesus and what HE thinks of us. Learning to hear His voice, have His heart... trading co-dependency with others for dependency on Him. I know that sounds easier said than done... It is. I think it's the work of decades, not days or weeks. 

To care what people think, but not be consumed by it. It's the key to sleeping well at night, to empathic and yet values (not opinion)-driven leadership... and I know for me, and maybe for you, it's the difference between making it and being completely shipwrecked by a vocation, a calling, that, not lived out in a healthy manner, has killed better men or women than you or I. 

Comments

[Tara R]

Wow, needed that, thank you. If there's more bouncing around in your head on this... please share, this struck a nerve in me.

[IP]

I'm with Tara. Thanks for sharing those thoughts. I'm reading Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell right now and he hits on those themes as well. The book, like your insightful post, has been challenging me to "this work of decades." I'm a first time visitor but absolutely love your style of prose.

[Bill (cycleguy)]

First time I have been here but saw your title on Ed Stetzer's. I like the sentence paragraph: "Here's the truth, and it applies to everyone, no matter what you do. A healthy person doesn't disregard the thoughts and feelings of others, but rather, uses that input appropriately, to help make decisions... not identity." That is good! I am an emotional, empathetic pastor and found myself being a victim of just what you talked about. I finally had to admit that I could not please everyone nor could I know everyone's problems. But it is hard when I was finding my identity in what others thought of me. Thank you for a good eye-opening post.