Dads, Heart Attacks and Grace.

If you were to look through the many boxes of old books, clothes, knick-knacks I have stashed in various places around the house, you might notice an abnormal amount of unaddressed, unwritten-in Christmas cards. Some birthday cards and a smattering of Father's day cards as well. 

I guess I have a habit of buying cards to send to my father and never actually getting around to sending them. 

It's been almost a year since we spoke. And probably 6 years before that. Not making the trip to my wedding was kind of a big deal to me. Ditto no acknowledgement of the birth of my son. Or my daughter. Or my other daughter. My birthday for the last decade or two... pretty much anything that someone else didn't drag him to. 

Last year, deciding it was probably time he meet my family and vice versa, I called and told him I'd be down there for the National Pastor's Convention, Amy and the kids would be flying down after and we'd all like to see him. We arranged to meet him along with my aunt and uncle at a restaurant.

Only my aunt and uncle showed up. No dad. No call. No apology. Just said he wasn't feeling up to it. 

I really thought that was the last straw. I'd already given up any vestige of hope for relationship- I wasn't fooling myself on that count. But I thought, for his sake, sitting alone in an apartment day after day after day, zero relationships- basically just running out the clock on life, maybe it would be nice to have some touch of real-life humanity. Maybe meeting his grandkids might do him some good, or at least, be something he'd enjoy. 

After the no-show, I stopped even caring to do that much. 

Until last week. 

I've been ruminating on grace, on those things we get while not even coming close to deserving them. I've been thinking that the response of someone who's been shown grace should be to extend that grace to others- and that necessarily means to those who don't deserve it. And to be honest, I can't think of anyone in my life who deserves less than my dad. 

So, I thought... the grace-full thing to do was send a card with pictures of the kids and tell him something about each of them and how we were doing. To offer him something of a real-life connection with a real family, even though everything he's done over the last four or more decades has fought that.

Thursday, I stopped by Walgreens on the way home. It only took me about 20 minutes to pick out a card, which, if you know anything about guys, you know... that's an eternity. I can buy a card in 30-40 seconds. But this was a bit harder. Anyway, card in hand, I headed home, and when Amy asked why I was buying Christmas cards before Halloween, I told her what I planned to do. 

This may be another card I never get to send. On my way to our elders meeting this morning I got a voicemail from my uncle saying my dad had a pretty big heart attack last night. He's hanging in there for now, though his kidneys are having trouble. 

I have no idea how to feel about that... But, if there's a sense he's on his way out, I'll get on a plane and go down there. I guess I have some things to say and I should probably give him an opportunity to say a few things as well. I think if I really believe in grace, it should probably mean something in the hardest relationship I have, not just the easy ones. 

Still waiting to hear the latest, so I think for now, I'll just go hug my kids.

Comments

[Rachel]

I'll be praying for you, Bob.

[Melinda]

Im sorry to hear about your dad Bobby...on all accounts. I know its been a rocky road for you, but i applaud you for still reaching out.You're in my prayers.Love you.
Sincerely,
Your sister.

[Rose]

These are tough moments...I will be praying for you as well.

[Doug Robertson]

Will pray.

[grace]

Bob,
I will be praying for you. I sense in your words that that the grace to walk through this next phase is already within you and will sustain you and that the Spirit is preparing you and equipping you with all that you will need. The Father cares deeply about what you are going through.

[Len Flack]

I'll most certainly be praying.

[jane]

So many thoughts...so many feelings...most of all, so much love and concern for you. As always, I will pray for your dad...pray that he realizes what an amazing son (and family) he has before its too late.

Your mom

[Scott M]

I know a thing or two about ... complicated ... relationships with fathers. I said a prayer for you. Best of luck.

[Aaron Stewart]

Oh man Bob ditto on what others are saying. Thanks for being so vulnerable.

[terri]

You should go to see him either way. My dad died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack at the beginning of October. While we were not in exactly the same kind of situation, alientaion-wise, the relationship had its baggage.

I have no large regrets...but there were still things I wish I had had the chance to say to him.

If you can avoid feeling like you should have done more, or said more....even though you already know you have done as much as you can...you should take the opportunity. There are no second chances once he is gone.

It's a way to honor your father...even if he might not deserve it.

It's hard to live out Christ's ways sometimes, but it is the only path we can walk with peace.

[Brandon Mitts]

Bob,

Don't know you, but I love you. Your posts have spoken deeply to me over the years. I'll be praying deeply for you and your dad now.

B.

[dominique]

Bob, when we talked about this tonight at 'Pub, I had no idea about the whole story. Wow. How painful this all must be. Please know that you will be in my prayers. May you have the Spirit to guide you, to comfort you, and to give you God's heart. Also, I consider you a wonderful father to your children. And for that I am thankful.