What do you REALLY want?

An interesting thing happened to me on the way to church planting. 

I got offered a 70k a year job out of the blue. 

Before we felt drawn (or pushed... pushed probably fits better!) to plant a new community here in Portland, I had been sending out a lot of resumes. I knew it was time to get out of the media job I had been doing and back into pastoral ministry, and to that end I was putting out the feelers far and wide. But... I kept being number 2. It came down time and again to me and someone else, and yet in the end- always someone else.

At about that time, God really grabbed my attention. I was told my media job would be ending, and I'd have 3 months to figure out what came next. We had just bought a house, gotten pregnant... mild panic began to set in. 

I woke up one morning, and was laying in bed, resolving to redouble my efforts at resume-sending, when my beautiful wife opened her eyes and the first words out of her mouth were, "Well, we could sell the car, sell the house..."

"Don't worry," I said, "I don't think it will get that bad. I'm sure we'll find something."

"No," she said, "I mean, so we can plant a church! It's what you've always said you wanted to do."

Always said, and never really had the nerve to do. 

Until that day. That was the first of many conversations that day which God used to move me from "I need to send resumes out" to "We need to plant a church." October 27th, 2003. It was a big day. 

About a week later, I got a call, though. It was someone offering me a job. No thanks, I told him. We're going to plant a church. 70k? Uh... no, no... we're going to plant a church. Over the next couple of weeks I kept getting the same call, from the same guy. It was as though my resolve to plant just triggered something in him- "That's EXACTLY the kind of person we want for this position!" he told me repeatedly.

I'll confess- there were a few moments where I looked at my pregnant wife and thought- really? Wouldn't the wise thing be to take this job? 

As I prayed it through, I felt God pretty clearly putting the question to me: Do you really want to plant a church? All this stuff you have been saying about the people who are missing from the standard evangelical churches in Portland, all this about My kingdom, about presenting the Good News of Jesus in ways that people who aren't part of the church world can grab ahold of... Did you mean it? Because here's a simple way out if you didn't."

I meant it. We turned down the offer, stepped out and planted a church community. But I've since seen that scenario played out time and again with new church planters. It seems to be something of a motif in the way God often (not always, but often) works. 

And I saw it again today in a very similar question I heard. This morning, to be exact. 

We're now in year 7 of our community, the year I've been told marks something of a speed bump for church planters/new communities. The year it gets hard. The year you either endure or fold. 

For us, it looks like a general season of churn, hard conversations, an uphill battle to flag some lagging enthusiasm, a need to refocus on mission... And lots of fun conversations about finances. 

Oh yes. 

We've never missed a paycheck in 7 years or been unable to pay another of our pastors. We all either do work on the side or raise support, so none of us look to the community for 100% of our income, and yet- it's still the majority and very much needed. Last month, when we saw the trend we realized- we may not be able to make payroll. Further, our treasurer, the only one with a real detailed view into who gives (someone's gotta do those tax statements!) let us know- so far this year, only 56% of Evergreeners had given anything at all. The conversation that came out of us letting the community know both of those facts was hard, but very good. In the end, people stepped up and we were actually OVER what we ask for from the community for the first time this year. 

All good? Not exactly- Maybe everyone just moved their giving from this month back a couple weeks and gave early? In any case, we're severely under budget again. And worse, it seems only about 15% of our community pitched in financially this month. 

That number is disheartening on a number of levels. Besides the fact that I needed to let my wife know we may not get a full paycheck this month (our other staff will- I'll make sure of that), it's discouraging enough when combined with some other trends we've noticed to tempt someone to ask "Are we really all in this together? Do we care? Or are we just playing church?"

I woke up this morning with a heavy heart, thinking about all of this- wondering what the answers to those questions were. As I lay there, I started praying "God, please... I want this thing we started to continue, to live on..."

And that's when I heard the familiar Voice: "Really? Why?" 

God was asking me- is this about building a church? An institution? Or is it about something, or Someone, else? All this stuff you have been saying about the people who are missing from the standard evangelical churches in Portland, all this about My kingdom, about presenting the Good News of Jesus in ways that people who aren't part of the church world can grab ahold of... Do you mean it?

And that's when I realized God had brought me full circle. 

Here in year seven, I feel God pretty clearly asking me- What do you really want? What's it about for you? 

I believe in church- but church isn't an end to itself. I want a paycheck this month, but I'm not going to start looking at the pastor porn of Ministry Job Boards and dreaming about other places where things might be more predictable. For me, Evergreen is a means to an end, and the end is Jesus. 

Here's what I really want: I want Jesus. I know church comes with Him (it is His body and bride after all), but first and foremost, I want Jesus. I want Evergreen to go on, not for my sake, but for His- and for the sake of those He is loving into the kingdom through our community. And that means I never get to pastor the fully committed, already mature and stable community that, in my weaker moments I daydream about. I'll always, to one extent or another, be dealing with questions like this, because I'll always be working to move hearts and minds (including my own) from places of immaturity towards growth and greater depth of commitment to Jesus and one another. 

So I'll ride this one out however long this "speedbump" time lasts. Where else would I go? What else would I do? For as long as God allows me, I'm on this ride, helping to lead this community, pointing our church towards loving each other, loving the city of Portland and loving Jesus... because it's the best way I know, given my gifts and callings, and until I hear otherwise, to serve Him. 

Comments

[CulturalSavage]

I've been having the same type of conversation w/ the big Almighty lately. It is hard to not get side tracked with ideas of sufficiency, achievement, and wise moves (at least according to world standards).

I'm glad your committed to this Evergreen thing, but even more gladder you are committed to wanting Jesus, to his kingdom come his will be done... I know, for my self (especially as I have these conversations w/ God) that is the heart and desire I need in the person who is tending the flock I call home.

[Samantha]

My recent(ish) small group has been helping me grapple with some of these same things. Examining my priorities is hard. Opening yourself up to community in a true sense is a conscious, difficult, intentional process that can be in turns frustrating, hurtful and rewarding. It brings into my life all of this messiness that sometimes it seems would be easier to just isolate myself from. All this to say that security of all kinds can be appealing but also get in the way of knowing Jesus better.

[michelle]

oh, you totally have me in tears. your heart for Jesus and for evergreen is so beautiful. i am so blessed you are riding the 'speedbumps' with us. thanks for sharing this with us.

[Debra A.]

Thank you for listening 7 years ago. Seeking Jesus with Evergreen completely changed who we are and what we want too. I love your heart. Always have. Keep bringing the wanderers home.

[Elheffejones]

hard to imagine it has been 5 years since I left evergreen, and now I find myself ministering to evangelicals. I've been the black sheep in the evangelical room many times in those 5 years and the evergreen community will always be an example to me of the "right way" to do things. I still follow your blog after all :)

May God bless your community and provide all that is required.

[Todd Littleton]

Bob - i am 16 years into one of those non-church-planter settings where i share life as pastor of a faith community. I believe there are many of us who could well write what you have. I do not say that to downplay the very difficult work of planting but to alert you to the ongoing struggles of existing churches and their pastors to be sure Jesus is all we want despite economic downturns and days when the long road to maturity is best described as Peterson did in his little book,

Long Obedience in the Same Direction

.

We pray for you and Evergreen. Even more that we have great friends sharing life and faith with you there.

[David Phillips]

Bob,

Thanks so much for this. I love what you have written. I'm a guy who has gone without any paycheck for almost a year from the church, but am still here. Because it really isn't about the money. It's Christ forming us and living through us...

I really enjoy your writings Bob! Appreciate it.

Hey, if you see Caleb Crider, can you tell him hello for me?

[Charlie Wear]

Bob,
I loved this post. It really does finally boil down to the simple things, doesn't it? I love watching while you follow Jesus, it is inspiring.
Blessings,
Charlie

[Dan]

You are a good man, Bob Hyatt.